My Two Cents

Some of you, no doubt, have already heard a thing or two about the summer thriller coming to a theater near you: Snakes on a Plane, starring Samuel L. Jackson.

The Internet has allowed fans of the movie—well, really, fans of the title of the movie—to take their love of snakes on planes to the masses. (Even Jackson himself was going to renege if the title was changed to Flight 121.) Though still in production, there has been at least one line leaked: "Enough is enough. I’ve had it with the snakes.” This has spawned all kinds of blogs, homemade movie trailers, screen-printed T-shirts, music videos, and even methods of self-expression.

When used as slang, “snakes on a plane” can refer to something terribly harmful, like, “You wouldn’t believe how many people I had to fight to get this last Tickle-Me Elmo! It was like snakes on a plane!” I, however, prefer to use the phrase in one of its alternative contexts—something of a cross between “Well, what can you do?” and “Dang it!”

Person: “…But by the time my parachute opened, I was already falling at terminal velocity.”
Me: “Dude, snakes on a plane.”

www.snakesonaplanemovie.com

www.snakesonablog.com

Just what happens to rejected ideas for Hallmark cards?

At the Hallmark Inc. headquarters in Kansas City, Missouri, tiny prototypes of greeting cards that don’t make the grade are displayed on a big fat “NO” made of fabric and hung on an office wall.

Some of the best of the worst:

For a birthday
Front: “My ex-girlfriend had a cat named Love because she said that’s what it gave her.”
Inside: “So I called it Bloody Forearms. Hope no one gets you a cat for your birthday.”

For Christmas
Front: “Spread some holiday cheer.”
Inside: “Or drink alone. Who am I to judge?

Front: “Christmas just wouldn’t be the same without peanut brittle.”
Inside: “Or Jesus.”

Survey Says

Which card idea do you think is the funniest? "Bloody Forearms" holiday cheer peanut brittle and Jesus

If you read my very first post (scroll to the bottom of page if you haven't yet), you are aware that, under certain circumstances, people are capable of acting strangely and/or dangerously while sleeping, unaware of the reality surrounding them. However, this is the first time I've heard of someone who unknowingly divorced his wife while asleep.

According to Reuters, a Muslim woman in, you guessed it—India (see yesterday’s post), heard her husband talking in his sleep, during which he used their word for divorce (talaq) three times. Somehow after talking with her friends, Islamic leaders got word of the incident and ruled that the couple was required to divorce under the laws of “triple talaq.”

“The religious leaders ruled that if the couple wanted to remarry they would have to wait at least 100 days. [Wife] Sohela would also have to spend a night with another man and be divorced by him in turn.”

Another strike against the makers of Ambien?

Apparently, things can go horribly wrong when people prepare and attempt to serve meatless meals. According to Reuters, the series of unfortunate events described in the following news article took place Sunday in Ahmedabad, India.

A jobless man burned himself to death after his wife refused to serve him meat for dinner, Indian police said Sunday. Sixty-year-old Mithailal Ram Sanjivan doused his body with a flammable liquid and set himself ablaze outside his one-room house in Ahmedabad, the main city of western Gujarat state.

Police said the victim, who had been without a job for years, and his wife, Geeta Sanjivan, 54, had a scuffle over the dinner menu. The wife, who works as a domestic, refused to cook meat, saying they could not afford it. Irritated by this, Sanjivan locked her in the house before setting himself on fire outside.

Lesson learned. I will keep my mouth shut unless I have all the facts.

I'm not joking; this was right inside the front section of today's newspaper, as taken from the LA Times:

"The FBI, while waging a highly publicized war against terrorism, has spent resources gathering information on antiwar and environmental protestors, and activists who feed vegetarian meals to the homeless, the agency's internal memos show."

Did I read that right? "Activists who feed vegetarian meals to the homeless"?

The article continues,

"Officials say that international terrorists pose the greatest threat to the nation, but they cannot ignore crimes committed by some activists."

Let me make it clear--I am not disagreeing with that statement. We've all heard reports of radical-- and I would say fringe-- antiwar and environmental protestors vandalizing memorials to fallen soldiers and setting fire to SUV-selling car dealerships. The part I don't understand is why activists who feed vegetarian meals to the homeless are tossed into the same category. Is the government honestly disturbed by people who feed other people a meatless, though likely an otherwise balanced and healthy, meal?

I have, on more than one occasion, assembled healthy, brown-bag lunches-- albeit, without (gasp!) meat-- and passed them out to homeless people I met while spending time with them in public parks and similar areas. Come and get me.

A good friend of mine who is a screenwriter recently won a prestigious award at the Movieguide Faith and Values Awards gala for his screenplay adaptation of Howard Pyle's book Men of Iron. Movieguide is an organization with a two-fold goal: 1) to help families make wise choices about the movies they watch, and 2) to influence the entertainment industry to bring more inspirational films to the American audience.

Before you scoff at the conservative Christian mission of Movieguide, you might be surprised to know that the 10 Best 2005 Films for Mature Audiences list includes the likes of Batman Begins, The Interpreter, Cinderella Man, and Hitch, because of the Bible-based values inherent in their messages to audiences.

I don't think I'm nearly as conservative as the writers of Movieguide; however, the ratings they give are geared more for parents.

To read more about the Men of Iron screenplay and where it heads now, check out The Fresno Bee, either online or in today's Life section.

Apparently, we are as arrogant as the French would have us believe.

A poll taken earlier this year, and reported by The Washington Post, shows that the majority of our countrymen believe they are above average in the following categories: honesty, common sense, intelligence, and looks.

Now, call me crazy, but the fact that 94% of American believe they are above average in honesty seems a rather ironic. And the idea that 89% of Americans label themselves above average when it comes to common sense is, well, nonsense. (See Exhibit A) Many of the 86% of Americans who believe they have above average intelligence are just plain wrong. When I read that 79% of Americans reported above average looks, I immediately thought of an old Seinfeld episode, The Wink:

JERRY: Elaine, what percentage of people would you say are good looking?

ELAINE: Twenty-five percent.

JERRY: Twenty-five percent, you say? No way! It's like 4 to 6 percent. It's a twenty to one
shot.

ELAINE: You're way off.

JERRY: Way off? Have you been to the motor vehicle bureau? It's like a leper colony down there.

ELAINE: So what you are saying is that 90 to 95 percent of the population is undateable?

JERRY: UNDATEABLE!

ELAINE: Then how are all these people getting together?

JERRY: Alcohol.

Funny, yes. But I think my grandpa put it best when he, while sitting on a bench in a busy shopping center, calmly conjectured, “Looking around, I don’t know how people can think God doesn’t have a sense of humor.”

The Local, a Swedish newspaper written in English, ran an article yesterday about a nurse at a hospital in Stockholm who was asked to change his name. From now on, Nurse Jesus shall be called by his middle name, Manuel. What’s up with that? (Never mind the odd fact that there’s a Jesus Manuel living in Sweden…)

According to Jesus [and by Jesus, I’m pretty sure they meant Manuel], an auxiliary nurse at Huddinge Hospital, his superiors were worried that patients told "Jesus will be coming soon" might get the wrong idea.

"If they thought that Jesus was coming, they might believe that they were already dead," the nurse told The Local.

The last thing Manuel reportedly wanted to do was to cause any confusion among the patients.

#29 down, 24 3/7 more to go...

What goes around, comes around, right?

Yesterday I had a voicemail from Napoleon, as in Dynamite. Yeah, I wish! Thanks to late nights in college dorm rooms, I knew the then-unidentified caller was using a soundboard to make me think I was hearing the real deal, when in fact he was stringing together several short sound clips from the movie with the same name.

Should you want to do the same-- and may I recommend speakerphone for the enjoyment of those around you-- I can personally vouch for the success to be had using the soundboard for Miss Cleo, everyone’s favorite TV psychic, and most of the soundboard for Arnold Schwarzenegger as Det. John Kimble.

Want more proof? Listen to an actual prank call made using the Miss Cleo soundboard.

I always thought SUV stood for sport-utility vehicle. Apparently, it can also be used to describe the new Hoover z400-- that’s right, the world’s first sport-utility vacuum.
Unfortunately for Hoover, I’m pretty sure that people who live in remote locations only reachable by unpaved roads face other, more pressing hardships than the embarrassment of filthy carpets.

So it's not the kissing picture I promised, but now that I know how to post video to my blog, I thought this was kind of cool! I'm the bobbing head on the far left...


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So I know I'm not the first blogger to poke fun at the recent trend with safety razors, but a novel article at Economist.com included this helpful graphic:

Apparently, "shavers are going to get more blades whether they need them or not."

I'm rootin' for the hyperbolic curve. Otherwise, I might not get to see them fit 14 blades on a single razor in this lifetime.

Think you've heard every rant and rave about Katrina-related events in New Orleans? Think you know how to spell the word "mutt"? Think again. This woman, lovingly known as Mama D, makes her case for the government's organized campaign to kill people by intentionally blowing up levees. Mama D's "logic" would make for a pretty hilarious interview with Tucker Carlson-- who, at one point, she referred to as "Boo"-- if it wasn't so sad. Watch for: Carlson's use of the phrase "huh..." to respond to many of Mama D's claims. Wonder if he ever dropped by her home as he (hesitatingly) promised?

Koza, if you're out there, this one's for you.

Back in college, a dear friend and I invented the fast-paced game "Expressions," in which one person calls out a specific situation (for example, you're taking a Sunday stroll through the park when you accidentally step on a squirrel), and the other person immediately shows the appropriate facial expression. Hilarity ensues.

Unbeknownst to us, we were being spied on.

In photographer Howard Schatz's new book, In Character: Actors Acting, actors were to communicate emotions for the camera based on complex story lines suggested by Schatz. Sound familiar? And I quote: "If you give an actor a scene, it's an 'I dare you.' It's like throwing a ball to a baseball player. They're going to catch it," he says, explaining why so many actors took him up on the challenge.

Shouldn't we get some sort of royalties for this?

Yesterday I went to bed around 1 AM and woke up about 5:45. PM, that is. That makes for almost 17 hours of nearly uninterrupted sleep. That beats my old record, set as a college freshman, that was brought to an end when a friend woke me up to go to dinner. (You know who you are...that DO!)

So I decided to search the web for the world record of the longest sleep, and have only come up with 14 and a half days, set by Randy Gardiner in 1965. But considering only 1 person wrote 2 sentences about him on the entire WWW-- and the second sentence doesn't even make sense to me-- I'm not sure how reliable that information is. In related news, the world's longest hypnotic sleep is 8 continuous days, set by Peter Powers, who also holds the world record as the fastest hypnotist.

But the most scientifically reliable tidbit I found during my search was this person's answer to a forum entitled "How long was your longest sleep?":

My longest sleep is coming soon, I'm 66 years old and I was a heavy smoker for 50 years.

I just made it back tonight from a 4 night stay in Xcaret, which is on the Yucatan Peninsula of Mexico, about 40 miles south of Cancun. I wasn't planning on posting anything tonight, having just traveled 8 straight hours, but in order to build up some goodwill in the blogger community (thanks for the kick in the pants, WT), here I am. I'm happy to report that my Things To Do Before I Die list just got a little bit shorter, since I got to swim with dolphins while in Xcaret (sounds like sh-cah-RET). When I get the chance, I'll post a picture of me getting a kiss from Abril, a super-smart 19-year-old cutie (who's a dolphin, to clarify). Anyways, I still have a long ways to go on my list, so I'm going to throw some out there and see if anyone can be of assistance!

4. play with a monkey

7. be in the audience of The Price Is Right (preferably before Bob Barker dies)

8. learn to name the constellations

18. drive on the other side of the road (legally)

27. try surfing

31. ride in the cockpit of a commercial airplane

34. take someone to the ocean who has never been before (any takers?)

My blog might not be worth a dime, but apparently my person is worth $1,490,640. Why this would ever be helpful, I don't know, but let me know how you compare...

I suspect most older white males such as this one could not tell you the difference between Snoop Dogg and LL Cool J, let alone impersonate them. Hilarious and impressive.

http://www.qarxis.com/steve_harvey_show_white_man_rapping

Air pollution is always a hot topic here in the Central Valley, mainly because we have so much of it. Every day there seems to be a letter to the editor of The Fresno Bee from somebody complaining about the pollution leaf blowers make-- first for emitting fumes through use, secondly for kicking up all sorts of dust and debris from the ground. Now, I despise leaf blowers, and would even throw noise pollution into the hat. But if we have to have them, is there any reason why they couldn't suck the junk up, like a vacuum, rather than merely relocating it? It seems like a pretty good partial-solution to me, but I've never offered up my idea. It seems so ridiculously logical that the argument must be flawed, otherwise why haven't I heard anyone else make the same point? Am I missing something here?

President Bush, after watching a small bulldozer push a pile of debris on a New Orleans street littered with a mattress, toys, a cooking pot, several pairs of blue jeans, a box of Pasta Roni and a pair of women's underwear:

"You've got a pile of stuff here." (origin: AP)

Turns out I'm not the only one. Both Wednesday's and Thursday's Fresno Bee included lengthy articles about people who "sleep-drive" after taking the prescription sleeping pill Ambien. These drivers "tend to stand out from other under-the-influence motorists. The behavior can include driving in the wrong direction or slamming into light poles or parked vehicles, as well as seeming oblivious to the arresting officers..."

A couple years back, I found a business card for a tow-truck company in my kitchen. Long story short, it turns out I had run over a speed-limit sign after jumping a curb. I have no memory of this whatsoever! (And yes, I was on Ambien at the time.) Apparently, I called my then-boyfriend to bring me my tool kit because, according to my interpretation of the situation, a sign was stuck under my car. Scary to think of what else could have happened when I was in that state; thank God no one was injured.

At least nothing like this happened to me (keep in mind this woman has no recollection of this incident):

"A registered nurse...got into her car wearing only a thin nightshirt in 20-degree weather, had a fender bender, urinated in the middle of an intersection, then became violent with police officers."

Or this:

"Jim Stewart says his wife began getting up in the night shortly after she began using the sleeping pill. He would find her doing strange things-- throwing a heavy toy at their dog while it slept, peeling ten pounds of potatoes, making sandwiches for imaginary Boy Scouts."

Or this (the scariest one of all, for those who know me):

"She quit taking Ambien three weeks ago on the morning she found McDonald's food wrappers in her bed."

All of this would be pretty funny if it wasn't a serious situation with such dangerous potential. And I would never laugh at a sleeping animal getting hit by flying objects.