My Two Cents

Of course, anything about snakes lately catches my eye, and they (snakes) seem to be everywhere right now! Today, during my usual round of blog-checking, I discovered (via wt’s legwork) that the person whose video I blogged about here (follow the link to watch the video, if you haven't already!) is also is the author of the one and only Snakes on a Blog.

Also, yesterday’s newspaper included an article (front page of the Local News section, no less) about a good Samaritan who rescued a 6-foot gopher snake from certain death as it tried to cross a busy street—a busy street near my work at that, since we’re on the subject of “coincidences.” The kind stranger carried the creature in his backpack as he rode his bike another 13 blocks to home, where he could decide what to do with it. In the end, the SPCA took the snake and released it in a ponding basin (which, in my opinion, leaves the options for "sequal" wide open).

Last, but not least, while checking out a link from a favorite site recently, I came upon another interesting link, yadda yadda yadda, I arrive here. About three posts down, I discovered that the blog’s creator is the very person whose “artwork” was used as a basis for the actual Snakes on a Plane logo. Favorite quote, from Defamer.com:

“Not that it takes a genius to throw together a couple of snakes and an airliner after the heavy conceptual lifting's already been done by the movie's self-consciously B-flick title, but at least the New Line folks seem to be paying attention to their potential audience, who may abandon their blogs long enough to show up on opening night wearing flight attendant uniforms and covered in rubber cobras.”

Folks, I think my plans for Friday, Aug. 18 just got a little spicier. Any coincidence that I now live with a pilot? I think not! Plastic snakes are a dime a dozen, but how else was I going to get my hands on the all-important uniform?

I had to double-check that I was reading a newspaper and not a sci-fi paperback when I learned of the worldwide efforts already in place to build the most secure vault on the planet on a remote island in the Arctic Circle. Besides being carved into the side of a mountain, other protective measures will include fences, motion detectors, steel airlock doors, and polar bears. Its purpose? To store millions of seeds from every kind of plant known to man as “an insurance policy for human civilization”—you know, should some global catastrophe decimate all food sources available to mankind. Dubbed the “doomsday vault,” the Svalbard International Seed Vault will begin accepting seed deposits as early as next fall.

How much would you pay to look like this? (Which is very different from, “How much would they have to pay you to look like this?”)

Depending on your price range and personal (dis)taste, you can order your own custom teeth from gangstagold.com for anywhere from 2 Franklins to 2 G’s (that’s $200 to $2,000, for the layman).

You choose the style (would you prefer lightning bolt zig-zags, or the four-leaf clover cut-outs with 2 slightly extended fangs?) and precious metal (what exactly is "rose gold"?), they do the rest.

My favorite model is GGT171, with the 3-D white gold-on-gold letters that spell out “Mike” across the front.

I’m not making this up.

I just posted my first, well, post, as a co-blogger on a friend's site, Expressio Unius. Since my links bar is still not working, I'll plug his blog here by saying wt's posts are intelligent, witty, and usually related to current events you should probably know about anyways, so visit often!

Now, since I'm already hurting for sleep, I just figured, hell, I might as well update my own blog while I'm here. So here's something I came across at work today, source unknown, which will be especially amusing to other educators:

No Child Left Behind-- Football Version

1. All teams must make the state playoffs, and all will win the championship. If a team does not win the championship, they will be on probation until they are the champions. Coaches will be held accountable.
2. All kids will be expected to have the same football skills at the same time and in the same conditions. No exceptions will be made for interest in football, a desire to perform athletically, or genetic abilities or disabilities. ALL KIDS WILL PLAY FOOTBALL AT A PROFICIENT LEVEL.
3. Talented players will be asked to work out on their own without instruction. This is because the coaches will be using all their instructional time with the athletes who aren’t interest in football, have limited athletic ability, or whose parents don’t like football.
4. Games will be played year-round, but statistics will only be kept in 4th, 8th, and 11th games.
5. This will create a New Age of sports in which every school is expected to have the same level of talent and all teams will reach the same minimal goals.

If no child gets ahead, then no child will be left behind.

Dare I say there exists another facial-based form of entertainment that may be even more ingenious than Expressions? You make the call:

Londoner Jonathan Stone began videoing people’s faces while playing relaxing music as a way to practice using his new video camera. (Those performance artists…) "I realized the videos were rich portraits of people and their musical tastes,” he says. And such are the humble beginnings of…facedancing.

People of all ages, backgrounds, etc. have accepted the invitation to facedance to their favorite music in front of Stone’s camera. Stone eventually had enough video to create “The FaceDance Show” and take it on the road. Though it hasn’t crossed the Pond as of yet, Stone is very interested in bringing the show to the U.S., specifically New Orleans.

Unfortunately, Stone’s website with example videos from his newest project seems to be inaccessible at the moment, but I’m sure it's worth tracking down. To wit:

One intriguing example of unexpected improvisation involved Stone’s accountant, whom he had invited to participate. "He asked me, do you mind if my dog joins me?" recalled Stone.

The accountant whipped a pug-nosed terrier from underneath his desk and held him in his arms while a double mandolin concerto by Vivaldi played.

"It was a very, very still image, with the dog licking him," said Stone, laughing. "You couldn’t write something like that!"

For reals, yo. What would you do if you found a snake on your plane? If you were Monty Coles, you would grab the snake with one hand, fly the plane with the other, and radio the nearest tower for clearance to land.

"They came back and asked what my problem was," he said. "I told them I had one hand full of snake and the other hand full of plane. They cleared me in."

Coles kept his cool and even remembered to pose for a picture before letting it get away.

Wow, has it really been that long? I’m embarrassed to have been away for so long, reading other people’s blogs but not updating my own. For one, school has been extremely hectic this time of year, and a little chaotic now that we’re moving from a year-round calendar to a traditional one (i.e. what we all grew up with). Stress definitely stifles creativity. In any case, there hasn’t been that much out there for me to work with and deem blog-worthy.

But you know the saying: “When it rains, it pours.” There’s so much I want to report I can’t even do it in one sitting. But I’ll start with the item that is nearest to my heart, namely, my birthday.

If you read the comment on this post, you already know that my birthday is coming up on Tuesday. Yes, that Tuesday, the one being criticized for its underworld-ly 06-06-06 moniker. Now, I’ve always allowed a little bit of the world’s sadness in on my special day—it is the anniversary of D-Day, after all—but this is taking things a little too far. I’ve read of more than one mother-to-be who is asking her doctor to induce labor so that her child won’t be forever marked by the Number. Hell, Michigan with be throwing a much-anticipated city-wide party to commemorate the once-in-a-lifetime event. Yes, a remake of the horror movie "Omen" is being released that day, and yes, it is the day of political decision in California (Darry Sragow says, “This settles it. I’m voting by mail.”), but none of the above should be used as evidence against my special day.

The idea of an apocalyptic date has spawned such speculation, mainly online, that I know the references will be impossible to escape come Tuesday. I, however, plan to celebrate as usual, without any fear of retribution or sense of impending doom, especially now that there’s no chance of sharing a birthday with Suri Holmes-Cruise.