My Two Cents

My, my! Where to begin? Do I start off with the incredible story of one man’s failed suicide attempt, despite having nail-gunned 12 nails into his skull (“‘No one before is known to have survived after intentionally firing so many foreign objects into the head,’ according to the report.”), or something more absurd, like Tony Blair’s wife, Cherie, and her $13,700 hairstyling bill for last month alone (“So what? Mrs. Blair has worked fantastically hard during the election.”). Maybe I should tell a naked story, like the one about the carpenter who was found working in the nude by a homeowner (“[He] said Thursday that working au naturel gave him a better range of motion.”), or the one about the guy stuck for 5 hours in his step-mother’s chimney, naked (“He tells us he took his clothes off because there would be less friction going down the chute.”).

I’m not making these up, people!

No, I’ve chosen to tell you about something a little closer to my heart: the importance of junk food access at any hour of the day and night. How many times have I myself longed for some sort of ice-cream delivery service? Let’s just say I should have put the idea to work before Matthew Mandell did.

Yep, if you live within 1 mile of the White House, give or take, you can place orders for more than 800 products every night of the week, sometimes as late as 4:00 AM, thanks to DCSnacks, the brainchild of GW University grad Mandell. And by products I mean Ben & Jerry’s, Gatorade, Funyuns, Hot Pockets, beef jerky, Red Bull…you crave it, he’s got it. And even better, he can bring it to your doorstep in about 20 minutes.

Naturally, I don’t think I would rely on the service as much as Rashid al-Khalifa: “For two years, [he] has ordered almost every night -- chicken potpie, Gatorade, lasagna, whatever. He often has guests in his apartment, and a man's got to play host.” I mean, grocery stores were invented for a reason. But I think Adam’s testimonial on the DCSnacks website best summarizes why Mandell’s business is sure to thrive: “My lifestyle is supported by your convenience!”

While an eye patch was a key player in one episode, the writers of Seinfeld never made use of its translucent cousin, the monocle. And it looks like they should have.

Geoff Boucher composed this hilarious article for the LA Times about monocles-as-fashion through the ages. He writes, "History tells us the monocle was devised in the 19th century by the British, who also invented mutton-chop sideburns and the term 'harrumph,' and all three go together quite nicely."

However, the money quote is not provided by Boucher, but by a 1961 magazine article on the personal advantages of wearing a monocle:

"By its very insertion between cheekbone and brow, the monocle gives you a new interesting face. The keystone of the new look is the sneer, due less to a state of mind than a muscle contraction necessary to screw, so to speak, the monocle in the eye socket. The social value of the sneer? Incalculable."

“I'd like to talk about this painting. I find this painting disturbing.”



So began the controversy over the painting Study for Pilgrim Mural that hangs in Provincetown, Massachusetts’s Town Hall.

Apparently, Selectwoman Sarah Peake objected to the painting because it did not include any women in the scene.

Isn't there a statute of limitations on political correctness somewhere?

As noted by the painter’s granddaughter, “I think it’s trying to change history. What do the selectmen want to do next, take down the statute of Iwo Jima…because there’s no women in it?”

Last weekend on the Fresno Pacific University campus, the Mennonites had their annual west coast fundraiser, which is always a good time of food, friends, music, auctions, and this year, for me, counting money (I'm such a dork). But that's not what I'm here to talk about. On display was a '99 Volkswagen Jetta, modified to run on vegetable oil instead of environmentally-unfriendly gasoline. The lengthy article in today's paper about the two men who plan to drive it across the country reported that sales of such the conversion kits are on the rise, and apparently they're so easy to install that most people do it themselves at home. Vegetable oils are obtained from local restaurants, upon which rests one minor drawback: would you rather your car smell like sushi or McDonald's french fries?

If you're interested in following the pair on their journey, you can check out their on-the-road blog, beginning May 27, at www.mcc.org/frittercar.

In the meantime, read about this space-saving vehicle , able to fit into the smallest of parking spots. As in, 20,000 of the cars could be parked on the tip of a human hair. Best quote of the week, by a scientist to the NewScientistTech: "We think the car would drive along, but we wouldn't be able to see it and I don't think people would believe us."

So I read recently that a man in Malaysia received a $218 trillion phone bill, along with court orders to settle the matter within 10 days or face prosecution. It wasn't even his phone; the man had turned off his father's service after his death last January and settled accounts by paying the remaining balance of $23. The man, actually, says he "can't wait" to face the court. (How much would I like to be a fly on the wall at that trial? It's like the Seinfeld that never was.) But the best line, at the end of the article, read, "It wasn't clear whether the bill was a mistake." Well, I'm pretty sure that if you called China when you were born, put the phone down, and didn't go back to hang it up until your last day on earth-- heck, leave it there and let your grandkids hang it up-- you still wouldn't accumulate that much debt in phone charges. Unless, of course, your phone service was provided by the same company that owns this Burger King franchise.

(Sorry for the prolonged absence...it’s been a busy week for me and a slow week for the news. At least, the kind of news I can poke fun at. My apologies.)

While I’m not at all condoning a 911 dispatch operator’s recent dismissal of a young boy’s very real plea for help, I’m sure the emergency number gets its fair share of pranks. I just ran across this article from the Pittsburgh Tribune Review, describing a caller’s request for assistance regarding a squirrel...in a tree.

"What's the problem?"

"I have a large tree in my backyard ... there's a squirrel stuck in the tree."

"Ma'am, this is a squirrel? In a tree? What's the problem?"

"It's been there for about an hour. It's crying; it needs help. There's a problem."

"Ma'am, sorry, but this isn't necessarily a police issue. It's a wild animal, sitting in a tree. It's supposed to be doing that. The squirrel will be OK. It'll climb down when it's ready."

"Are you telling me you're not sending me an officer?"

"Sorry ma'am, this isn't a police issue. An officer wouldn't be able to do anything. The squirrel will be just fine, really."

"But police officers help people in need right?"

"Yes, ma'am. Squirrels are not people."

"Well, never mind, anyway. You've spent so much time explaining why an officer won't help me, the squirrel left. Thanks."

Now I will take this opportunity to include an adorable picture of Finnegan the squirrel napping with his adoptive Papillon family:


Anyways, the article even mentioned a new trend in “butt calls,” which are calls inadvertently placed when a person sits on their cell phone. I checked the Urban Dictionary, and yes, “butt calls” is a verifiable phrase.

And stupid is as stupid does: some individuals actually “want to talk with police because they were sold fake crack cocaine.”

No matter who you are, I'm sure you've never seen anything like it. Unless you watch The Montel Williams Show.

If you have 5 minutes, check out this amazing video of Faith, the only known bipedal canine.


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If your friends and family members are dorky like mine, you've probably gotten several emails recently, putting you on alert regarding today's once-in-a-lifetime relationship between the date and time, i.e. today, at two minutes and three seconds after one o'clock, the time and date was 01:02:03 04/05/06. Mildly interesting, yes (although the people writing "this will never happen again" obviously were forgetting about 3006, etc). That being said, I'll be celebrating my birthday this year at 06:06:06 06/06/06. Now what's up, suckas?

This is the true story of snakes and humans, picked to live together, share a mode of transportation, and have their lives taped, to find out what happens, when snakes stop being polite, and start getting real.

NAPLES, Fla. -- A man crashed his car after a pet snake he had wrapped around his neck began attacking him, authorities said.

Witnesses reported that Courtland Page Johnson, 30, of East Naples, was driving erratically and crashed his PT Cruiser into several barricades about 9 p.m. Tuesday. He got out of his car, wrestled with the snake and then drove off, reports said.

When authorities caught up with Johnson at his home, he told them he crashed into another car that had stopped short in front of him. After questioning, Johnson admitted he panicked when his snake bit him.